Father Issues

Since 2004, I’ve been battling my rage against a man.. My own father. And since Christmas is fast approaching and Christmas is about family, I honestly couldn’t keep myself from thinking about my dad.

Fathers play a very vital role in one’s life.. Specially in a girl’s life. A little girl needs her daddy and admit it, we all are little girls deep inside. See, I haven’t felt a father figure in years, mostly when I needed it the most. And apparently, I’ve tried looking for that image in many men… And after a long search, I found Mico. The person who stands as a bestfriend, a brother, a lover and a father all at the same time for the past 4 1/2 years in my life. He’s been there all the time.. All the time my dad wasn’t.

We haven’t seen each other since October. Its not easy. Early 2011, he tried to make his mark and re-enter my life by paying for my education in a well known college. He spent for everything I needed, just like he was supposed to. I thought things were going great and I started to trust him again. I fought against my gut feeling and decided to let him take part in my life again. Further into the year, everything started to change. From the way he treated me to his indecisive mind which, for once had a decision that was steady, something stable.. That was to abandon me again. And then I thought, twice is too much. I started blaming and regretting.

2012, his mom. Our grandmother kept communication between us all throughout. We agreed to see her every now & then. My dad slowly made his way back to my life. I got warnings. From my grandma, my uncles, my mom.. Even from my bestfriend and my boyfriend. They told me that, what my dad did to me was unjust and just plain evil, and that at some point, it was bound to happen again. But I kept in mind what everyone used to say whenever I curse at him or when I get mad.. “tatay mo pa rin siya.” And for the nth time, I trusted that nothing would go wrong anymore. And that everything would be okay because I’m finally in good terms with my dad again. But due to God knows what.. The scenario repeated itself. I was in the passenger’s seat of his car, my sister at the back. He screamed and cursed at us like ajsjsbskl. No words could describe how I felt. As I was absorbing every single thing he was saying.. I snapped. And then I told myself that I am NEVER gonna see him again. I am NEVER gonna let this bullshit happen to me again. And then I finally decided to cut him completely out of my life. Everything suddenly seemed so perfect without him. And now my mind is made up.. I might appear as a bad and ungrateful daughter to many, but because of what he put me through.. Screw what people think. I dont need him in my life. I’ve got an annoying but very loving family here, plus my boys who wouldn’t do any of what he did to me.

I just hope he realizes what he lost. And regret it for life. I love him, of course. But love isn’t always strong enough to hold a relationship like that. He needs to loosen up and learn from his mistakes. He’s gonna learn soon enough that abandoning us, as his children, was the biggest and most life scarring one he’s made.

Merry Christmas, Daddy. I hope you’re happy now that we’re cutting ourselves from your life.

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