Every year, May is that month where I get excited and all for school in June. (Yes, it takes me a whole month to prepare for an upcoming semester.) But this May just seems to take so long. Usual summers for me are like this: March comes, school ends. April comes, vacation starts. April takes so long, and then May comes in and I’m blinks away from June. Now it seems so long. It’s like, the other day it was May 1st, and now its only May 4th. Does anyone get what I’m trying to say? Hahaha. Whatever. May is the fastest month for me, but now it’s not.
Maybe because it started out wrong.
Maybe because I actually am waiting.
Or maybe because I just have nothing better to do… Yet.
Well April has passed on and I’m thankful for that. Because finally, the rainy-sunny days of May are here, which means less greasy mornings, less toxic lunches and a more comfortable vacation up ahead.
Back to why I even started this.. My month’s start didn’t turn out quite like how I thought it would be. I started with a blank sheet, and next thing I knew, it was full of scribbles. Some scribbles I think that are just really not understandable and just a few days into the month, my blank sheet is now a re-straightened old crumpled up piece of shit with scribbles of hate and pain on it.
I spend the first few days of May curled up in a corner, trying my best not to express sadness or pain. Keeping the tears to myself. I know what you’re thinking… “Why should she keep her feelings when she keeps on saying she’s got a big family around her?” Well, truth is.. I do have a big family around me, and that’s just not how they are. With them, I can’t feel sad. I can’t feel bad. I can’t cry. Because I have to be strong at all times. Some weird chinese belief I think. But wth. I’m human, and one could only keep feelings to herself for so long.
So, what was going on?
The usual unending break up-make up cycle with the boyfriend that.. I don’t know. It just happens. And as bad as it may seem, its been happening often recently. Also, trust issues I managed to gain from my family. Ironic, I know. And the ever so obnoxious feeling of lacking comfort and security in my life. There was a point where I just sat out and cried for an hour or so, just because I’m too fed up.
But things change as people change how they treat you.
Feelings change as the people change how they make you feel.
And I guess that’s just it. But you can’t live on your decisions alone. You need compromise. And that’s what we agreed on. Compromise about how we should make things fair for each other so no one’s superior and no one’s inferior… And I guess that’s just how life’s supposed to be.
May is just another ordinary month just like all the other 11 months that come by annually.
May is not an excuse for something that rids you of what you felt the month before.