Its never too easy nor too hard

Every day is different. With how I’m recovering, I mean.

It’s never too easy, nor too hard. It’s never the same.

Some days I feel like total shit. Like I just want to disappear. Times come when I don’t wanna be talked to, but having lots of friends at school, I never get the privelege of being completely alone. I get that feeling of emptiness, being afraid of everything. Its like physically, I’m there, but in all other aspects, I’m not.

Most days go by that way. Still having to pretend to be okay. Still faking smiles and laughter. Still setting aside my pain just so people wouldn’t pay attention to me.

I like attention when I’m numb.

Numb in a way that I do not feel a thing at all. No sadness, no happiness, no nothing.

And to be honest, sometimes, it is better that way.

But happy days come too. Some where I wake up with a smile, because I know its a new day, and nothing would hurt me if I don’t let it. I go to school all glammed up and smiley, and I get excited for classes.

But they don’t last either. Because at some point, I will remember everything again, and it’s back down the blackhole of pain all over.

Its never too easy. I still feel stinging. I still feel like crying all the time. But when I feel that way, I choose to hide it because I know he’s doing everything he can to help me get over it.

Its not his fault it isnt working quickly as he expected it to.. Last time, recovery took me 4 1/2 years.

I just dont know how I could be able to forget everything. Can anybody help me? My depression’s pulling me down.

I’m tired of getting hurt.

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