Yesterday, I went on air with a couple of co-student jocks at our radio station. The topic to run over the two-hour show was, “How would you spend the last month of 2013?” Everybody had their comment. Everybody had their opinion. But I, for the first time, on air, was lost for words.
Since I was a child, I always believed that you spend the rest of your day with how you start it. Probably because my Chinese grandma always says, “Don’t spend on the first of January, or you’ll be spending a lot the whole year round!”, I developed this mindset.
After high school, it became how I started my Monday, and then now, I think of it as how I start my month.
Looking back on the year, I realized that I spent almost 3/4 of my year crying whenever I was alone. Why? Because I was not happy. I was full of sad thoughts and painful memories. I never got to enjoy my year, actually. All the smiles were merely there just to get me through the day without somebody asking me if I’m okay.
Yesterday was the start of the last month of 2013. I planned to spend it smiling, happy, and worry-free.
But still, that time of day where pain sets in came.
I didn’t know what to do. I actually don’t know what to do about it anymore. Times like these, I think I already need professional help.
I keep on looking for articles and blog posts online, on how to help myself grow from the pain I’ve been feeling all this time. Weeks have passed and I found nothing that could really help me.
But I came across this article just now, and realized how I’m pulling myself down. All this time, I was blaming other people for discouraging me, for hurting me, not knowing I, myself was also contributing to the pain I’m always feeling.
I’m posting this here now, hoping someday, I would look back and give myself a pat on the back, saying, “You made it through.”
I hope this helps people who want to be happy too. 🙂